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The Necroplanicus-the Book of Dead Projects

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Fiona Maughan
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And so as Snow White and Sweaty Betty waved tearily from the Quayside - Sir Gary (a.k.a. shergar) disappeared from view - bound for who knows where - would they ever see him again ?, if history was anything to go by - probably not. But what would become of him ? Would he go the way of Sir Winalot ? They hoped not for he had been a pedigree chum alright.

And then in the distance - they saw something approach - it looked like a little Junk from Hong Kong - surely Sir Clive must have made an early start this morning ??? He appeared to have a problem - negative float perhaps - oh well - he would sink or swim same as the every other planner had done before him....
Clive Randall
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Last post how could this be
The frenchman sighed
After two coats of emulsion he was set for the night.
He would attend the SLAPPERS event in Glasgow and see what made these stove maidens tick.
Armed only with his Essex girl jokes
He contemplated his sub critical paths and decided!
Today was his opportunity to present his 3d animation of his programme
Let em have it he thought
If there was no logic he was their man
Gary France
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Not wishing to overstay his mark, the frenchman decided to bid farewell. He headed out not from Waterloo, Barking or Blackfriars, but somewhere much more noble.

Sweaty Betty had hit him where it hurt the most - didn’t she realise the Scots had somehow been victorious just the day before?

God speed, fair maiden planners. May your future paths be critical and never delayed.

The frenchman blew a tune on his trumpet. The crowd gasped. Would this be his last post?

Fiona Maughan
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Curses Sweaty Betty had meant to gloss over the whole Torry incident after all it was a near miss...

That night as she load tested her hammock for the umpteen time her thoughts turn to the mysteriously ill frenchman - was this his Waterloo ? Surely the Blackfriars would take care of him - even if he was Barking ?

With the PAPS-CREP firmly on the critical path commonly known as Rose Street there could be no more talk of infiltrators, the night belonged to the ..
Scottish Ladies Association Planning Personnel Evening Rendevous Society (SLAPPERS).
Gwen Blair
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Ever the opportunists, Dopey and Shifty would NOT be able to infiltrate the Lady Planners splinter faction sherry n curry evening - unless of course they cared to sponsor the evening on a no strings attached basis. However, late passes and restricted bar bills were certinaly neither a pre requiste nor a constraint to their methodology procedure, considering Sweaty Betty was flying in from Rio and Snowhites trip was merely a 4 flight hop south down the Fjords.
Their offer of turning up to discuss Freudian theories, Greek mythology and the Ronnie Biggs Portuguese version of Project Management paled into great depths of dullness compared to the PAPS-CREP, Pre And Post Sherry-Curry Rendezvous/Entertainment Plan.
As a consolation, however, Snowhite promised to interogate SW on the Torry/Rigblast non planned event and report it in the March monthly report
Gary France
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Not everybody knew the disguised Frenchman was ill, but Shrek had got to him after being cajoled by Shifty. The bean counter somehow had wandered into the wrong film set – we all knew he was in the wrong place when he kept asking where was Jack, the beanstalk and the Giant.

However, the link to the underground was still tugging at Snow Whites nurse strings. She recalled hearing something on the radio about the game called Mornington Crescent, but somehow couldn’t relate this back to Sweaty Betty, or indeed Seagull City. Betty did remember the painter, but it he insisted that 2 coats of emulsion was all he could offer under the circumstances.

In the meantime, Snow White looked out across the frozen expanse and sighed. She knew she was about to set out on a long journey. She had her protectors though – the seven wriggling bags on her sled paid testament to that. She was sure that the female planners would one day meet as a group – after all, their roots did go all the way back to Venus.

Walnuts were not an previously an important part of Snow Whites life, but with her ball juggling skills, Brazil nuts seemed to fit the bill somehow. Strange that, Ronnie Biggs used to live in Brazil as well – must be a link there somewhere for Snow White to exploit.
Steven Oliver
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However, with time matured stealth, Shifty the Site Planner had been keeping himself aware of the activities of the Lady Planners and decided enough was enough.

Deciding to break with time honoured tradition, Shifty arranged to meet with Dopey the Bean Counter to discuss the current situation.......
Fiona Maughan
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And so the Lady Planners were to be infiltrated by an ill disguised Frenchman - the bounder ! Sweaty Betty would not be fooled again - she’d been asked to pose for a painter before and wound up in a tenament in Torry with a guy from Rigblast....But Nanook/Snow White was smart she would have the 7 dwarfs on call in case of any high jinks (or hopefully for them low jinks).
Gary France
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The eccentric painter, Seagull City, was exasperated at Betty’s condition. Sweaty or not, he preferred still life and hence Betty was once again confused by Seagulls requests. The fruit bowl or the disguise continued to perplex him as he struggled with which to choose.

He could not recall Ipanema being on the London underground, but vowed to visit that fine city to hear Snow White’s planning presentation.
Fiona Maughan
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Sweaty Betty was ready for Seagull City but was Seagull City ready for her ? Armed with the portuguese version of Ronnie Biggs guide to Project Management what could go wrong ? Pushing to the back of her mind that confusion over the fruit bowl during her last visit - she now realised the Carmen Miranda disguise had a been a mistake. But Nanook would be there - all would be well...
Gwen Blair
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As her mother had been down womanned due to Polar storms, Electra had to be stashed somewhere as Snowhite required time off to prepare for a forthcoming Planning presentation. However, the immediate priority was re baseling followed swiftly by a clandestine meeting in a certain Curry Hoose in Seagull City with Sweaty Betty the Girl from Ipanana. The Lady Planners had at last revolted and a splinter faction had set up a covert sherry n curry soiree in order to discuss how best to work with the Bettys new planner, Shrek. It was anticipated various acrobatic skills would also be scrutinised.


Authors Note For non beleivers, the above post is actually true. Fact, can at times, be stranger than fiction.
Gary France
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On returning home, Snow White explained to her husband, a certain Mr Freud, that she had abandoned the child at work. Her husband, Sigmund, sat at his desk that night and wrote a paper which he entitled the Oedipus Complex. Quite spookily, the child’s name was Electra.
Fiona Maughan
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Further mayhem ensued when after Snow White had departed for the day it was discovered she had missed the small print which stated she should also take the child home again.


Fiona
Gwen Blair
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On return from her lengthy confinement, Snowhite returned to work and exploited the latest legislation of “Take your Child to Work” by continuing to wet nurse whilst intermittently reading the local Danish press Editorial entitled “Sedition - a means of creating havoc in the workplace ”.
Philip Jonker
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Tahini is a favourite in themiddle east next to lambs testicles, and the combo is great
pmkb .
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Unfortunately, eating gyros with tahini (sesame seed paste) while at the keyboard was not a good idea. Tahini droppings in the keyboard cause the keys to stick and the planner can only type the digits 4,7,9 when updating/editing the schedule.

Stacy
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Philip Jonker
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The secret is that V5 has an undo button, it is like open sesame
Edgar Ariete
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there’s no undo button, but it is compatible with black & white monitors.
Gwen Blair
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Is there an undo button on that by any chance?
Philip Jonker
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Anyway when Alu Baba said Open Sesame, it turned out it was not a cave full of Alu_minium, but a crypt where white Elephant projects was buried.. and a version 5.3456789 of P3
Gwen Blair
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Regardless of the background interference and inference, Snowhite hit the undo button on her P3 Version 5.168 then phoned the Poisioned Dwarf.
Philip Jonker
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Yes it is Alu Baba, a his hi-jackers, of threads, open sesame seeds, and I will show how to recover Alu-minium
Edgar Ariete
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and suddenly...Darkness All over! oh, it’s a bird! No! it’s Batman! and he shouted! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY GIGO?
I DID SOME INPUTS A FEW DAYS AGO, BUT IT NEVER CAME OUT!

it wasn’t too long, it’s just somekind of an ALU!
Jihad Daniel
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Dear JUNKER,

This is not the appropriate website to say your junky statements...Please put your junks elsewhere Junker...Also, did you notice that you are messaging yourself in this subject, only wacky junker like yourself tell these tales from the crypt...
Philip Jonker
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Maybe Sneezy is the culprit despite his nasal problems, and maybe he got to Snow White, giving her a case of avian flu
Philip Jonker
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Take your Jihad where you wanto but not here
Philip Jonker
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I have a problem with these camel jockeys hi-jacking the storyline
Philip Jonker
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Planing is not the be all and end all. You can plan as much as you like, but the fairy tales can take it away from you. Necrophilia is a problem, but projects just don’t die
Jihad Daniel
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The Project is dead...long live The Project! That’s in short term...This Necro Planicus subject has nothing to do with Planning...And I appreciate from the bottom of my planicus to change this necro subjects and replace them by more joyful Projects...

Regards,
Philip Jonker
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Maybe Snow White has the lead in the jean pool as she wears Wranglers
Philip Jonker
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The way bean counters are, they have their own agendas, like running a porn library on site is nothing new. However, as to their performance, that is always suspect, and as such, maybe Dopey, is not the number one suspect.
Gwen Blair
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Sharing a common gene pool via his fathers only sibling, Dopey the Bean Counter had an uncanny knack of holding down two jobs on site at once, a feat many of the Planning Contractors lusted after.
Steven Oliver
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Meanwhile Dopey the Bean-Counter escaped suspicion. And went about his daily site tour without anyone bothering him or knowing what he did.
Gwen Blair
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Grumpy the Site Manger was justifiably aggrivated. Civils progress was going backwards. Six of his civil squad had downed tools, most picks and shovels and walked off the site in single file in order to get finger printed and DNA swabbed.
Snowhite on the other hand was going to play the single mother card. The pregnancy was an unplanned. No mitigation had been taken.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Shady’s wife was giving him a hard time as she suspected more than a minor transgression had taken place whilst on she had been on a hen weekend in
Wa’send 9 months previously.
Philip Jonker
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Large in the trouser is quite normal for dwarfs, was this act planned?
Gwen Blair
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The lads at smoke shed B had already discounted Shifty the Site Planner as the father as he was too busy trying to work out a solution for an undo button for an international software company. However, the rumour that he was rather large in the trouser department had emerged from the shower room and was confirmed by the Site Secretary Batilda who currently had a 20 to 1 bet on at Ladbrokes
Philip Jonker
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Shifty comes to work all dressed in black with a pink tie, because the project is dead
Philip Jonker
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Melkatrazz, the spawn of the blonde site secretary with the 32 waist, but do not exclude the site planner, Shifty, also short and has a beard
Gwen Blair
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All fingers were obviously pointed to the Site Manager, twas was a daily site occurance, but the fact that every Site Manager in the world is called Grumpy did not help the lads in the T shack to contribute to the identity of the sperm donator present at the conception of Snowhites child, Melkatrazz.
Philip Jonker
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Me think’s it was a dwarf, as the the child had a beard, maybe Grumpy the short site manager?
Gwen Blair
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which was a hell of a lot more interesting as the entire site was debating who had fathered Snowhites child.