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My Favourite Joke

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Mike Testro
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Hi All

The rules for this thread are that if you post a joke you state where you first heard it.

If it is one that you have created then say so and be applauded. (beware the google check).

No Filth Racism or Gender OK.

Go for it Mike T.

Replies

Christian Adrian ...
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I got this one from a blogsite..

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Morne Beeslaar
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This little joke arrived in my inbox a while ago. Don’t underestimate the resourcefulness of children.

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of ’a house of ill repute’ and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, ’I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, ’Do any of the girls have any diseases?’

Of course the Madam said ’No’.

The boy said, ’I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT’S the girl I want.’

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, ’Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?’

He said, ’Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll give her one in the car and he’ll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE’S the prick who ran over my FROG!’
Samer Zawaydeh
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Found an old joke in the mails:

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, ’Are you allergic to anything?’

He replies, ’Yes - caffeine.’

’Have you ever been in the military service?’

Yes,’ he says. ’I was in Iraq for two years.’

The interviewer says, ’That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.’ Then he asks, ’Are you disabled in any way?’

The guy says, ’Yes... an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.’

The interviewer grimaces and then says, ’OK You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM You can start tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. - and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.’

The guy is puzzled and says, ’If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me to get here until 10:00 AM?

’This is a government job,’ the interviewer says. ’For the first two hours, we just stand around drink coffee and scratch our balls..
No point in your coming in for that.’
Samer Zawaydeh
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Posts: 1664
Do not under estimate farmers,
Recevied: by email this morning;

’An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.


So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, ’They’re lookin’ to get married,so you came to the right place. Look ’em over and pick the one you want.’

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.

’Well,’ said the man, ’she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.’

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

’Well,’the man replied, ’she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.’


The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,’She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry’

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

’Well,’ explained the farmer, ’She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
Pregnant when you met her.’

KongChung Chan
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THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST



Got this in my email yesterday




I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we Decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.


One day her ’little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.


She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, ’I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.’

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ’We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family.’

And the moral of this story is:






Always keep your condoms in your car
Mike Testro
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Hi All

This one could have been a candidate for the worst joke ever but it is very funny.

So, there’s this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn’t want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown like other toads.. He’d sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like
the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says

"Abracapokus! You’re brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he’s brown except for
his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:

"Wait a minute! My willy’s still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don’t do willys. You will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same
woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You’re brown!"

The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says:

"My willy is still purple!"

She says: "I don’t do willys, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that’s just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That’s easy.....just follow the yellow prick Toad!"

What a belter.

Best regards

Mike T.
Shahul Badhusha
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Hi

I guess below video link gives a little fun

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlTY-bBdFsA
Samer Zawaydeh
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Dear Ravi,

I am at your service anytime. Glad that you liked it.

With kind regards,

Samer
R. Catalan
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Samer,

Thank you for sharing your post #13.

Best regards,
R. Catalan
Samer Zawaydeh
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Posts: 1664
Nagging Wife.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ’What time of night to be getting home, is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

’They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed,
’FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’




Samer Zawaydeh
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Posts: 1664
Hi,
Nice story, not a joke:

The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the water close to Japan has not held many fish for decades.

So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went further than ever. The further the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring the fish. If the return trip took more time, the fish were not fresh.

To solve this problem, fish companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go further and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen fish. And they did not like the taste of frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price.

So, fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little thrashing around, they were tired, dull, and lost their fresh-fish taste. The fishing industry faced an impending crisis! But today, they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan .

How did they manage? To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks but with a small shark. The fish are challenged and hence are constantly on the move. The challenge they face keeps them alive and fresh!

Have you realized that some of us are also living in a pond but most of the time tired and dull ? Basically in our lives, sharks are new challenges to keep us active. If you are steadily conquering challenges, you are happy. Your challenges keep you energized. Don’t create success and revel in it in a state of inertia. You have the resources, skills and abilities to make a difference. Put a shark in your tank and see how far you can really go!

Enjoy,

Samer
Samer Zawaydeh
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Dear Anoon,

FYI

Contractor 20+ years
CM 1 year
Consultant 2.5 years
--------------------
Solutions = only what works

Samer: With kind regards ;)
Anoon Iimos
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Hi Samer,

Obviously you are working as a Consultant (?).

Here’s some kind of algebra:

Client: Confused

Consultant: Advises

Client: More confused (after getting advices)

Consultant: Giving more advices

Client: More....you know

Consultant = Confucius (Chinese Philosopher)
Samer Zawaydeh
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Posts: 1664
Hi,

Receive my email today:

you cannot read these and not laugh...
These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district .

Spellings have been left intact.....

1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday..
She had the shits. (BEST ONE)

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don’t know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17.. Sally won’t be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids

Have a good laugh,

Samer
Samer Zawaydeh
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Hi,

You need to see this. It is just a great laugh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26a8JITwImQ&NR=1&feature=fvwp

With kind regards,

Samer
Samer Zawaydeh
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Posts: 1664
Hi,

Read this one today:

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in. " The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As
I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ’Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’" St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen? " "Er.. about two minutes ago. "

Samer
Samer Zawaydeh
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Posts: 1664
Good one received this morning,

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went...

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice ’chick’ he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband....

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

’Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.’

Then she asked, ’Did you dance much?’

He replied, ’I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance.. When I got there, I met Pete , Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.’

’You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!’ she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,

’Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad .... apparently he had the time of his life.
Mike Testro
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Hi All

This is one I was told by an American friend on the ferry from Discovery bay to Hong Kong Island.

A planning engineer was walking along a deserted beach when he tripped over an old bottle.
When he opened the bottle a genie appeared and granted our planner ONE wish.
Now this guy was smarter that your average PP member so he asked if he could be the LUCKIEST guy in the world.
His wish was granted.
Next week he won the national lottery - in fact every contest that he entered he won - soon he had more money and cars and houses that he could possibly use.
BUT he was not lucky in love - young and single he could not find true love.
Until one evening he was in a cocktail bar and found himself sitting next to a lovely Indian lady in a silk sari.
They clicked immediately and after a drink or two she agreed to come with him to his nearest mansion.
A night of relentless passion followed and he realised that he had - at last - found true love.
Next morning he awoke first and gazing at the sleeping face of his lady he noticed her carmine Bindi on her forehead.
Intrigued he moistened his finger and gently rubbed it away.
To find that he had won a years supply of raspberry joghurt.

Best regards

Mike T.
Richard Spedding
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Posts: 127
One of the more recent ones I have received goes like this:

Fred and Larry got married in California.
They couldn’t afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, ’No’.
Johnny asks, ’Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ’I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ’Are Fred and Larry up yet?’
She replies, ’No.’
Johnny says, ’Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ’Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ’
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
’Are Fred and Larry up yet?’
His mom says, ’No.’
He asks, ’Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ’OK, now tell me what you think.’
He says: ’Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.’
Samer Zawaydeh
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Posts: 1664
Dear Mike,

I received this one my mail from a friend today:


To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the project manager, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

-----------------------------------------------------------A clergyman, a doctor and a project manager were playing golf together one day and were waiting for a particularly slow group ahead. The project manager exclaimed, "What’s with these people? We’ve been waiting over half and hour! It’s a complete disgrace." The doctor agreed, "They’re hopeless, I’ve never seen such a rabble on a golf course." The clergyman spotted the approaching greenkeeper and asked him what was going on, "What’s happening with that group ahead of us? They’re surely too slow and useless to be playing, aren’t they?" The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The three golfers fell silent for a moment. The clergyman said, "Oh dear, that’s so sad. I shall say some special prayers for them tonight." The doctor added, rather meekly, "That’s a good thought. I’ll get in touch with an ophthalmic surgeon friend of mine to see if there’s anything that can be done for them." After pondering the situation for a few seconds, the project manager turned to the greenkeeper and asked, "Why can’t they play at night?"

----------------------------------------------------------


And this (thanks G Bee)... A project manager was out walking in the countryside one day when a frog called out to him. He bent down, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog called out again, saying, "If you kiss me I shall turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I’ll stay with you for a week as your mistress." The project manager took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. The frog called out once more, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for as long as you wish and do absolutely anything that you want. Again the Project manager took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back. Finally, the frog demanded, "What’s the matter? You can turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I’ll stay with you for ever and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?" to which the project manager replied, "Understand, I’m a project manager. I simply don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog .... that’s cool."

With kind regards,

Samer
Samer Zawaydeh
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Hi Mike,
This is a very good idea, I think that PP might get more members because of this thread :)

Got this one by mail two days ago:

The ’Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ’This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

’First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

’Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ’Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ’She walked around the house for, like an hour, ’Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

’My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

’And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

’Then the middle wife starts saying ’push, push,’ and ’breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ’Middle Wife’ comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs.. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!


With kind regards,

Samer


Mike Testro
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Posts: 4393
Hi All

One of my favourite jokes is one I heard on radio 4 many years ago from a broadcast by an Egyptian raconteaur.

From Hong Kong I recycled it on the world service best joke contest and got a mention.

A Dictator was inspecting his army and when walking down the ranks he stopped in amazement.
He was looking at a soldier with his own face and figure - his double in fact.
Recovering quickly the Dictator said:
"Ah - I see your Mother must have been a servant in my Fathers Palace"
"No your Excellency" said the soldier "But my father was the Gardener".

I think the original must have been translated from the Hyroglyphics.

Beat that

Mike T.