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The Best and Worst "One-Liners"

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Nigel Winkley
User offline. Last seen 15 hours 28 min ago. Offline
Joined: 11 May 2006
Posts: 187
Groups: The GrapeVine
although some are two lines...
Groaning is optional!

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper . . . dicing with death!

So I rang up British Telecom and said: ’I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ’Not you again.’

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: ’He’s trying to pull a fast one.’

So I said to this train driver: ’I want to go to Paris.’ He said: ’Eurostar?’ I said: ’I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin.’

Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said: ’Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought: ’I can’t turn that down.’

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty - he’s a dark horse.

I wanted to be a milkman - but I didn’t have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ’Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ’It depends where you’re calling from.’

So I said to the gym instructor: ’Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ’How flexible are you?’ I said: ’I can’t make Tuesdays.’

The advantage of easy origami is twofold...

This bloke says to me: ’Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought: ’That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness.’

I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he’s a catholic converter.

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags - he’s bisatchel.

So I went down the local supermarket. I said: ’I want to make a complaint - this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ’Those are pickled onions.’

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I used go out with an anaesthetist - she was a local girl.

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: ’Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said: ’You are.’

During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling. He got hit by a Doodlebug.

I’ve got a front door made from sponge. Don’t knock it.

I’ve played football on a plane, you know . . . there I was, running up the wing!

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said: ’I bet you £5 you can’t guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf.’ ’I’m not gambling,’ I said. ’The steaks are too high.’

I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn’t catch my drift.

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: ’Put it back.’

So I went down my local ice-cream shop and said: ’I want to buy an ice-cream.’ He said: ’Hundreds and thousands?’ I said: ’We’ll start with the one.’

When I left home, my mum said: ’Don’t forget to write.’ I thought: ’That’s unlikely - it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’

Velcro . . . what a rip-off.

I went to the record shop and I said: ’What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ’A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen which said ’parking fine’. So that was nice.

I was in the Army once and the sergeant said to me: ’What does surrender mean?’ I said: ’I give up!’

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house . . . I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up.

Plus the best of ’The Edinburgh Festival’ gags...

1. Tim Vine: I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.

2. David Gibson : I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.

3. Emo Philips: I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.

4. Jack Whitehall: I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ’bought’ - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

5. Gary Delaney: As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.

6. John Bishop: Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.

7. Bo Burnham: What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

8. Gary Delaney: Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

9. Robert White: For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty.

10. Gareth Richards: Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.

... and the worst

Sara Pascoe: Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.

Doc Brown: I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price Record Shop.

Sarah Millican: I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it’s not enough to just buy it.

Bec Hill: Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.

Dan Antopolski: How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.

Andi Osho: Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window?

Gareth Richards: My mother is always taking photographs of me - she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news.

Emo Phillips: I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 bald men

Oh OK, I’ll go home now...
Hope these raised a titter or a groan!
Nige

Replies

Robert Smith
User offline. Last seen 8 years 33 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 31 Jan 2011
Posts: 2
Groups: None

 

Debt is real, equity is opinion.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.

A woman can fake an orgasm, but a man can fake an entire relationship.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . Not really good for anything . . . . . But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
 
If you aren't part of the solution, then there is good money to be made prolonging the problem

friends help you move - REAL friends help you move dead bodies...

Work like no one's watching, love like you need the money, and dance like you're being hurt.

Talk to your kittens about catnip, or someone else will.

Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.

_________________

home security systems

Mike Testro
User offline. Last seen 10 hours 31 min ago. Offline
Joined: 14 Dec 2005
Posts: 4393
Hi Nigel

I read the first batch this morning in the Daily Mail - they were Tim Vine’s as well.

Tommy Cooper was the master:

I dreamt I was eating a 4lb marshmellow and when I woke up my pillow was gone.

etc etc

Best regards

Mike Testro