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Stuff That Makes Me Laugh (I may need help)

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Andrew Dick
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Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ’Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’

The engaged woman giggled and said, ’That’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, ’I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ’Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?’

Replies

Mike Testro
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Nissan built a new car production line in Sunderland England and it was the day before the plant was to start up for the first time. All the press were waiting and the Japanese Nissan President on hand to greet Maggie Thatcher who was coming to press the ceremonial button. Everyone was very tense. In a back room a junior QA guy was going through the final checks when he noticed that a flywheel that was waiting in the production line was the wrong size. All the top management paniced - they needed 1000 of these parts by dawn tomorrow or the big day would be a disaster. They scoured all the plants in europe and managed to get 1000 boxed up and waiting on the tarmac at Schiphol airport by 3:30 that afternoon - the bits would be flown to Sunderland just in time. The small cargo plane took of and was over England with its cargo when DISASTER - the engines started to loose power. There was nothing for it but to dump the cargo so the flight engineer went down into the hold and started hurling the bits out of the plane.

10,000 feet below Major Gunham-Downe was taking tea with his wife on the lawn of their modest mansion when suddenly huge lumps of jagged metal started embedding themselves in the grass all around. "What on earth is that squeaked Mildred" - spilling some tea in her saucer. The Major took one look and grunted "Nothing to worry about M'dear - Its just started raining Datsun Cogs."

Rafael Davila
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Posts: 4784


A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.  Then I looked around and  saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon? ' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently  dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'  

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.  

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.  Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'  

 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.' 

 I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Bob Bennett
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Posts: 2

An old Italian lived alone in New York.  He wanted to plant his annual  tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,  
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

   
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love , 
Vinnie

Mike Testro
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Posts: 4395

Hi All

What do they learn in Pirate School?

The thre AAaarrghs.

Best regards

Mike T.

Morne Beeslaar
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Posts: 19
Lol this one just arrived this morning.


A guy goes hunting.

A gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What’s the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn’t too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly,"answered the doctor. "She’s a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t P in your eyes."
Mike Testro
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Posts: 4395
Another one.

A heart surgeon takes his car in for a service and the mechanic comes up and says "I do just what you do with motors - I open them up take out the valves - make sure the oil is flowing and then close it up. Why shouldn’t I get paid the same as you"
"Well" says the heart surgeon "when you can do all that with the engine running you should get paid the same as me"

Best regards

Mike T.
Alexandre Faulx-B...
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Hello there,
a good joke I received from a Canadian friend a few weeks ago; I cannot say nobody ever heard of it.

A Lebanese guy moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks: Do you have any sales experience?
The guy, Yeah, I was a salesman back home.
The manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. ’You start from tomorrow! I’ll come down after close time and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get the idea.
Of course, the young man said.
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down. How many sales did you make today?
The guy said: One.
The manager groans, Just one? Our Mexican sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?
The guy said: 101,237.64 US dollars.
The manager exclaims, what? 101,237.64 Dollars?’ What did you sell him?
The guy said, first I sold him a small fishhook.
Then sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull the new boat. So I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 BMW.
The manager says, you mean a guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and truck?
The guy said: No! NO! NO! He came in to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said:
Well, since your weekend is obviously boring you might as well go fishing!

Alexandre
Andrew Dick
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Posts: 295
Two women are chatting in the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, made love to my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Mike Testro
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Hi Raviraj

We all really liked that one.

Some more of my own.

What do sexy meerkats have? Deemples.

There is a good reason why Korean children have puppy fat.

Where does Tarzan buy his loincloths? In a Jungle sale.

I am now back behind the barricade.

Best regards

Mike T.
Raviraj Bhedase
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Posts: 1033
A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant.

Scared??..She confides this ’ news’ to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?

I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the Problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I’ll take responsibility.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, If there is a miscarriage or unsuccessful delivery , what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,



" You Can Try Again !!
Mike Testro
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Hi All

On that note:

How many planners does it take to tile a bathroom?

It depends how thin you slice them.

Best regards

Mike T.
Gary Whitehead
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Q: What’s Amy Winehouse’s favourite tube station?
A: High Barnet

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Hardware problem.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has to really want to change.

Q: How many irishman does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2: One to hold the bulb, and the other to drink until the room spins.
Mike Testro
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Posts: 4395
Hi All

A lady goes to the doctor who says "I really like your hairstyle and that dress goes so welll with your shoes"

Every one should try complimentary mediciene.

Best regards

Mike T.
Andrew Dick
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Posts: 295
I answered a knock at the door this morning. When I opened it there stood a 6 foot tall beetle. He punched me in the face and called me some names and walked off.

Apparentley there is a very nasty bug going round.
Mike Testro
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Posts: 4395
Hi Andrew

I am beginning to regret that I turned your attention to the Trivia section.

In one day you have taken over the whole show - no one can follow that!

Or maybe we can rise to the challenge - for instance -
What do you call a Time Lord who looks after marsupials?
Dr Roo.

Best regards

Mike T.
Andrew Dick
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Posts: 295
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said, ’Where did you get such a great bike?’
The second engineer replied, ’Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ’Take what you want.’
The second engineer nodded approvingly, ’Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.’

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, ’What’s with these people? We’ve been waiting for 15 minutes!’
The doctor chimed in, ’I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!’
The priest said, ’Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let’s have a word with him.’
’Hi George, what’s the matter that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’
The green keeper replied, ’Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’
The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, ’That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’
The doctor said, ’Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them.’
The engineer said, ’Why can’t they play at night?’
The woman below responded, ’You must be in Management.’
’I am,’ replied the balloonist, ’but how did you know?’
’Well,’ said the woman, ’you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.’

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
Normal people ... believe that if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn’t broken, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, ’If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess’.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, ’If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.’
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, ’If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.’
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, ’What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess; I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?’
The engineer said, ’Look. I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool

Andrew Dick
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Points to Ponder

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re wrong.

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

- I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.


- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

- There is a great need for sarcasm font.

- Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a fool from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ’as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said "Yes that’s G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies".

- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- Bad decisions make good stories.

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

- There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

- I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ’I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

- Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

- I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
Andrew Dick
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Posts: 295
Murphy’s Laws of Combat

Automatic Weapons - Are Not

Suppressive Fire - Doesn’t

Recoilless Rifles - Are Not

Your Weapon Is Made By the Lowest Bidder

Never Share a Gun pit with A Fool - They Draw Fire

If You Are Running Short Of Everything except Enemy - You Are In a War Zone

Never Trust an Officer with a Map & Compass

If Your Attack Goes To Sh#t - It’s An Ambush

All the Best Orders Go To Sh#t under Fire

Nothing Is As Accurate As Friendly Fire

If it’s not nailed Down Then You Don’t Want It

Always Act As a Team - It Gives the Enemy Someone Else To Shoot At
Never Act Important - The Enemy May Be Looking

A Gun Pit Is Never Deep Enough - Except When You’re Digging It

The Shortest Distance between 2 Points Is Walking

Andrew Dick
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Camping With Your Mates.

Mick attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the upcoming annual Outback trip because his wife wouldn’t let him go. After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Mick left to go back home to the missus.

Later when Mick’s mates started arriving to set up camp the following week, who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Land Crusier, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here Mick?" they asked.

"I didn’t have to", was Mick’s reply, "When I left the meeting last week I went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ’Surprise’."

"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ’Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want."

SO HERE I AM
Andrew Dick
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Posts: 295
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you are too busy to talk to them for a week
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after many years; and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr and Mrs
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents Mum and Dad

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and then tell you what you did was wrong
MILITARY FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, ’Mate...we stuffed up ....but what a giggle!’

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry
MILITARY FRIENDS: Cry with you

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back
MILITARY FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it is yours

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with a shed full of direct quotes from you

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will kick the backsides of whole crowd that left you behind

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, ’I’m home, got any beer!

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Share a few experiences.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Share a lifetime of experiences no civilian could ever dream of.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you’ve had enough
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, ’You had better drink the rest of that, don’t waste it. Then they carry you home and put you safely to bed.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will knock the crap out of people who use your name in vain

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know where you buried the body
MILITARY FRIENDS: Helped you bury the body

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will call you ’mate’ as a term of endearment
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will call you ’Wanker’ or ’Tosser’ as a term of endearment

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are for life.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will forward this to their military mates
Andrew Dick
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Posts: 295
Stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.


1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.


There!! See? It really does work. You’re smiling already.
Andrew Dick
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Posts: 295
If you’ve ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.


On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, ’How much money do you make a week?’


A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, ’I make $400 a week. Why?’

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, ’Here’s four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.’

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, ’Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?’

From across the room came a voice, ’Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.’